The Entrepreneur’s Wife

Loneliness comes with the territory

Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash

Space. I have too much of it.

I live in a beautiful home. I have a darling child who loves his mama deeply. I have no financial worries. I have time. I have hobbies. I have opportunity. I should want for nothing.

But I want for everything that is missing in the deep emotional void occasionally thrust upon me.

It should be predictable at this point. It always comes months into the next venture. And yet, I’m always shocked when I find myself in the throes of it. I feel like a child who has been thrown into a pool without floaties and is stuck in the drowning position, head just above water but sinking in an agonizingly slow assault until an adult comes to yank me out.

An extroverted Scorpio, I feel deeply and I desire emotional attachment. Interactions that lead to connection and understanding. Conversations that last hours. Relationships that don’t just scratch the surface of emotional vulnerability, but instead rely on trust and companionship.

But I fell in love with (sometimes) emotionally unavailable. Intensely driven. Often beyond reach.

Being declined after two rings of the phone. Telling a story only to realize he was never listening. Asking question after question and receiving responses ranging in “huh?” and “what?” Realizing the human I am speaking to exists on another plane.

And thus, I have too much space. A vast amount of space in which to sit in sadness … alone. To worry … alone. To want to share and talk and bond … but I am alone. In this vast space.

There are others who demand so much bandwidth and attention. The problems that need to be solved. The projects that need a leader. The questions that need immediate answers. The cell phone that is answered on the first ring for them. Sometimes I wish it all away.

We look to the moon and the stars and the galaxies and we dream of launching ourselves to the endless expanse of space. We stare across deserts and oceans and skies, wishing to ride and swim and fly. J.R.R. Tolkien said “not all who wander are lost.” But human beings are not meant to wander alone. Space can be overrated. And I find myself lost in my thoughts and my feelings and…